Friday, January 1, 2016

Undone (continued)

Into the cavern I run
Barely escaping the devastation around me
Safety is all I crave
Delving deeper into the dark
Twists and turns each leading down a new tunnel
I move faster feet hardly touching the ground
I must escape
I run for what seems like hours
Then find myself in a grand hall
I catch my breath
Listening for sounds off the stone
Relief finds me
I begin to unpack
Self illumination brightens my safe haven
A glow fixates my eyes to see
Contempt I place against the wall he seems tired
Regret slowly pulled out and set beside time wasted
Grief unwinds and slinks across its new home
Self preservation breathes a sigh as it sits in silence
Self doubt creeps out and wraps me in its cloak
The great room swiftly fills with familiar faces
Inadequacy bounces around the room checking in with everyone
loneliness sits quietly brooding 
Resentment revolting the senses with a rancid putrid nearly Inhumane smell
hurt sat bandaged demanding attention from all surrounding him lust was surrounded by her harem including seduction, addiction, manipulation and want 
tortured and bruised innocence is dragged along behind this Entourage 
Lust checked on Innocence with a light caress down her check, Innocence flinched in terror
Manipulation split from the group to visit control who was spinning a delicate web that resembled lace
I looked up and locked eyes with Sadness who was craving what she could never have
My heart broke
Brokenness emerged piecing itself together the best it could with self reliance's help
Envy and Jealousy locked arms intertwining almost as one single being
Gluttony stuffed her face with all the sweets one could imagine
idiocy counts to ten on his fingers taking breathes of stupidity when he forgets 
duplicity mimics its mirror image all the while spewing only lies and rumors 
panic has hidden himself under a bearskin rug giggling with glee
self fulfillment chases after lust and her friends barely keeping up
unlovely makes her rounds hidden by her hair
hatred seethes as he encounters his comrades in arms
complacency pulses lethargy in a slow dance to the echoes of the noise
isolation leans in close
"Isn't it better alone?"
manipulation gestures fluently as she draws more into her web
Undesired glances away a often as she looks up
Pain greets loss and whispers in the corner
Pride holds tightly to family missed
Reunions begin false pride introduces worthlessness and pity
He hugs arrogance tightly with a smug grin
Ominous threats of anarchy echo off the stone
Unhappiness has come breathing atmospheric fog
It seeps into the crevices of the rock
Death holds dreams and desires in a small guided cage as he struts around touching everything leaving his mark
I sit back to watch
Depression has entered throwing out oppression before him eagerly
Heartbreak emerges leaving sobbing in its wake
Defeat triumphantly takes precedence 
I am shattered trying unsuccessfully to disappear into the cold stone wall
Chaos erupts
But wait...
A hush
Not a pin drop
Light comes from a tunnel
I cower in fears embrace
Stepping into the room
Three huge figures clothed in light
No word equivalent adequate
I gulp
Majestic yet humble
Holy yet tangible
Awesome and wonderful
Does he see me?
Can he see what I've done?
Will he be angry?
Why did I run?
They stop at the entrance
Light emanating so sharp
All must hide their eyes
Some fall directly to their knees
Others mock openly
Justification stands to my aid
Then steps quickly aside
His Loud resounding voice
"Where is my child?
Where is my girl?"
Slowly rise to my feet
Shaking like an addict in need of a fix
I step then I stumble
Only to fall into my savior arms
Weeping profusely
"Lord I just wanted safety
I just wanted peace"
His grip tightening
Voice louder
"peace be still
She is mine
I bought her in full
I paid the price
Let her go!"
Screaming and gnashing
Painful squeaks and groans
Terror
Then nothing
It is empty
The only two entered
Recognizing them at once
My savior a father
And my comforter and protector
I looked around the great hall
Another figure came through
Hope stepped in changing the hard stone to jewels
Faith Radiated light pushing until there was no dark
I wasn't alone
Panic giggled in the distance, I froze
Holy Spirit walked to the rug and stomped on his hidden form so hard he disappeared with a piteous scream
Warmth pulsed through my veins
Restoration stood and stepped into my gaze
They kept coming and coming
Filling up empty spaces
Truth walked up with no hesitation and stepped into my form
Healing was next she was liquidy and pliable flowing into every orifice
Pure love looked at me softly
eyes delving deep
"This might hurt a bit.
Because so many things are dead.
I'm sorry for the pain this will cause
But know without a doubt
You are loved."
With  not much more she dove into my being
Triggering every nerve ending
I felt fire then excruciating pain
Soul wrenching screams
As I came to life in every way
Feelings and thoughts
Dreams all but lost
Came crashing to life
Like a hurricane
Swirling and beating at unbelief And doubt
That had lodged themselves into my deepest dark parts
Cracking and breaking
The death split and stank
But pure love kept going
Reaching into the hole that held
All the hurt, guilt and remorse
Pure love she grabbed them all by the throat
They gargled her love down each and every drop
I felt the change as love rearranged deep in my core where
Hate had stained
Then instead of leaving
Pure love sat down
Into the center of my heart
She now was crowned
She seeped in the dark transforming to light
All of the things I could easily hide
Such overwhelming feelings
Pulsing and quaking
Moving and shaking
My heart remaking
Nothing looked the same
My eyesight had changed
I was still held by my savior
Stroking my hair
"Do you not see how much love I have for you?
And I am not done
There's a lot more to do"
Joy pushed inside and took over my heart
"My salvation is here!"
I squealed with delight
You called me said Wisdom
"Here I am too
We all came cause the father asked us all to"
He said "she's mine
she's my blood
she's my love
She's asking for all of the help from above"
So understanding said "I'll go my lord"
Grace said "I'll fight by her side so she looks like you do when she breaks deep inside"
Peace cried "I'll go she needs me too when the storm rages on and she's tired each day"
The loudest was mercy she rang through the room "I'll stay quite close lord she needs me as well to flow like a river when she hits a dry spell"
My savior cries for me as he covers and holds me knowing my need 
I clung tighter and adjusted my hold but he never loosened or even let go
Covered in tattoos and aged scars new spirit came forward 
"my name is Deliverance
 I'll stand with you too
For you're the beloved"
A sword flew to his hand as he took command 
Lust was called up with all of her friends 
"Christina, you must tell them they can not stay. 
Give them to savior right away."
I nodded and said in barely a whisper 
"You must leave. I release you to the judgement of savior."
Savior pointed to Deliverance, Who swiftly executed them all right where they stood
More traitors were brought forward and executing commenced
Savior looked me right in the eye 
"Christina some want to stay and say they have right.
Please give me their contracts and any trinkets they gave you "
Words produced diamonds, bracelets and rings
Some the most beautiful I'd ever seen
But yet they were tainted 
something was off
I looked more closely
Surprised at the view
Where each of the jewelry was touching my skin 
Festering and burns left the skin singed 
I quickly removed every item I saw and gave them to savior 
Where are the contracts I thought in my head 
Suddenly papers appeared in my hand
I gave them to savior as quick as I could 
I looked at my savior his gaze never faltering
ashamed I lowered my gaze and dropped to my knees in spite of the pain
I was a mess

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Undone


Christina Rice
Into the cavern I run
Barely escaping the devastation around me
Safety is all I crave
Delving deeper into the dark
Twists and turns each leading down a new tunnel
I move faster feet hardly touching the ground
I must escape
I run for what seems like hours
Then find myself in a grand hall
I catch my breath
Listening for sounds off the stone
Relief finds me
I begin to unpack
Self illumination brightens my safe haven
A glow fixates my eyes to see
Contempt I place against the wall he seems tired
Regret slowly pulled out and set beside time wasted
Grief unwinds and slinks across its new home
Self preservation breathes a sigh as it sits in silence
Self doubt creeps out and wraps me in its cloak
The great room swiftly fills with familiar faces
Inadequacy bounces around the room checking in with everyone
loneliness sits quietly brooding unlovely makes her rounds hidden by her hair 
hatred seethes as he encounters his comrades in arms
complacency pulses lethargy in a slow dance to the echoes of the noise
isolation leans in close
Isnt it better alone?
manipulation gestures fluently as she draws more into her web
Undesired glances away a often as she looks up
Pain greets loss and whispers in the corner
Pride holds tightly to family missed
Reunions begin false pride introduces worthlessness and pity
Ominous threats of anarchy echo off the stone
Unhappiness has come breathing atmospheric fog
It seeps into the crevices of the rock
Death holds dreams and desires in a small guided cage as he struts around touching everything leaving his mark
I sit back to watch
Depression has entered throwing out oppression before him eagerly
Heartbreak emerges leaving sobbing in its wake
Defeat triumphantly takes precedence
Chaos erupts
A hush
Not a pin drop
Light comes from a tunnel
I cower in fears embrace
Stepping into the room
Three huge figures clothed in light
No word equivalent adequate
I gulp
Majestic yet humble
Holy yet tangible
Awesome and holy
Does he see me?
Can he see what I've done?
Will he be angry?
Why did I run?
They stop at the entrance
Light emanating so sharp
All must hide their eyes
Some fall directly to their knees
Others mock openly
Justification stands to my aid
Then steps quickly aside
His Loud resounding voice
Where is my child?
Where is my girl?
Slowly rise to my feet
Shaking like an addict in need of a fix
I step then I stumble
Only to fall into my savior arms
Weeping profusely
Lord I just wanted safety
I just wanted peace
His grip tightening
Voice louder
peace be still
She is mine
I bought her in full
I paid the price
Let her go!
Screaming and gnashing
Painful squeaks and groans
Terror
Then nothing
It is empty
The only two entered
Recognizing them at once
My savior a father
And my comforter and protector
I looked around the great hall
Another figure came through
Hope stepped in changing the hard stone to jewels
Faith Radiated truth and justice
Wisdom she was beauty
I wasn't alone
Warmth pulsed through my veins
Restoration stood and stepped into my gaze
They kept coming and coming
Filling up empty spaces
Truth walked up with no hesitation and stepped into my form
Healing was next she was liquidy and pliable flowing into every orifice
Pure love looked at me softly
eyes delving deep
This might hurt a bit.
Because so many things are dead.
I'm sorry for the pain this will cause
But know without a doubt
You are loved.
With much more she dove into my being
Triggering every nerve ending
I felt fire then excruciating pain
As I came to life in every way
Feelings and thoughts
Dreams all but lost
Came crashing to life
Like a hurricane
Swirling and beating at unbelief And doubt
That had lodged themselves into my deepest dark parts
Cracking and breaking
The death split and stank
But pure love kept going
Reaching into the hole that held
All the hurt, guilt and remorse
Pure love she grabbed them all by the throat
They gargled her love down each and every drop
I felt the change as love rearranged deep in my core where
Hate had stained
Then instead of leaving
Pure love sat down
Into the center of my heart
She now was crowned
She seeped in the dark transforming to light
All of the things I could easily hide
Such overwhelming feelings
Pulsing and quaking
Moving and shaking
My heart remaking
Nothing looked the same
My eyesight had changed
I was still held by my savior
Stroking my hair
Do you not see how much love I have for you?
And I am not done
There's a lot more to do
Joy pushed inside and took over my heart
My salvation is here!
I squealed with delight
You called me said Wisdom
Here I am too
We all came cause the father asked us all to
He said she's mine
she's my blood
she's my love
She's asking for all of the help from above
So understanding said I'll go my lord
Grace said I'll fight by her side so she looks like you do when she breaks deep inside
Peace cried I'll go she needs me too when the storm rages on and she's tired each day
The loudest was mercy she rang through the room I'll stay quite close lord she needs me as well to flow like a river when she hits a dry spell
My savior cries for me as he covers and holds me knowing my need
Each greeting me warmly
And giving a gift


Where am I going

Running away
While standing still 
Major mind games 
That ones moving forward
Like the treadmill 
Calculated miles but
Going nowhere 
Or spinning on a stationary bike
Totally useless 
Being present 
When you know 
Some of what's come
Almost as difficult 
Eyes set on the right prize
Makes the difference 
Not when 
Not how
But who
Focus on the son
See his love
Bask in his light
Know his heart
All else will fade
Then and only then 
One step forward 

Dedication to my friend

Too many tears to share
Grief from your loss
Came and came
Absurd 
Why you?
Just ripped away
The day before my birthday 
Here one day 
Gone the next
Heartbreaker you definitely are
Your love for life
Often frustrating 
To watch you grow 
My delight
Brown hair brown eyes 
Charming your way
Inlet to my heart
I thought of sons
How mine might be
When you would come
Just teasing me
I was much older and very mature
Then you would remind 
Of past years and crimes
Like that time you would say
With a laugh
When you almost killed us
Pretty soon I was losing my mind 
You were the boy 
That changed a teen girl
Who as she grew up became better still
Who saw how you cared for and counseled
And hugged on and loved her
Yet hated it all when I interfered 
Last time I saw you
Here on the earth
You were lounging and sleeping 
Like many times before 
You were just crashing until it was night
Conflicted and worried was what I saw
When you asked me a question 
That brought me to awe
Christina have I do way too much
Too ever come back?
I mean will God forgive for 
All the faith I lack?
My heart broke 
As I saw in my mind
This beautiful boy
Heart struggling to align
I calmed and reassured
But I realized as I spoke
I also validated my own 
"There is nothing my friend
That will change how I love you. 
I believe that Gods heart is way bigger than mine
Nothing you've done has been a shock to his heart.
He loves you much more
Than you will ever know "
I hugged you tightly 
You smiled so bright
You little boy had grown into 
A man who was radiant
And weird crazy and odd
I will always remember 
You taught me a lot.

Dedication to a friend 

To die to self

Gravestones loom before me
Breathing life lost
Whispering dreams forgotten 
Aroma wafting 
Death permeable 
Reminds of time wasted 
Titles crumbling piece by piece 
Labels eroded and laid to waste
Quietly stepping past
Future questionable and unsure
Empty markers
Waiting for new to lay to rest 
Turning around 
Ruins and rubble 
Memories etched in marble
Small offbeat path
Overgrown with vines
Very rarely visited 
One space
Deeply inset
Depth eternal
Stone unreadable 
Knowing is there
A word
Full meaning 
I lay 
Myself depleting 

The climb

Intentionally led
Into the dark ahead
Stumbling and falling 
Grasping a rock wall
Granite tearing into the hands
Trained to heal
Fumbling searching 
For something to hold
Nails digging in crack 
Deep within 
Latching on tightly
Not with own might
Blackness a comfort
Forgetting the light
Missing the warmth
When it burns bright
Climbing much faster 
Than one can afford 
To new heights arise
Without drawing a sword 
Finding a cavern 
Deep in the rock
Somewhere to hide
A safe place to stay 
No use for the eyes 
Dark blindness you see
Size small
Room for two no more
I reach through the thickness of night
I feel the warmth
Something alive
My heart it leaps
Will I be dead?
Nightmares compounding
Thoughts in my head
Who might they be?
Why are they here?
Why would one rest in a nest full of fear?
Just then a whisper 
So out of place
" here in this place 
There's no fear only grace"
"And mercy has found you
Out here on the ledge"
I Iean into the warmth 
Taking it in
100% feeling 
Choosing to sit in
A dark place 
Deep in my mountain face

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

My song

Pure tone
Soft embrace 
Peace comes
Often grace
Sadness Varys 
Hearts song
Cracking sound
Pouring out
Eerie melody 
Muted harmonies 
Wafting along the wind
Direction up
Before a throne 
Song travels around 
Hand outstretched 
Encompasses cry
Tears trickle from an eye
Heart heard 
as clear as day
Music treasured
And held quite tight
One leaves there
Following echo
Of this one in pain
Sheer hate and stress
All that's heard
With one touch
New sound unleashed 
Special endearing 
The treble has changed
Triumph emerges
Thankfulness bursts out 
New song of love
Angels offer a shout
Silence descends 
Peace all the more
Song of one
Touched by her lord

Heart death

I have survived the harshest death
Such crushing and pressure 
Tormented while half alive
Smiling misleading 
Dying from the inside out 
Listen closely...
No rhythm 
No beat
No pulse
Simply walking dead
Feelings on life support 
Hopes in icu 
Forced Breathing; a ventilator 
Death craves nothing but rest
I reach slowly for loves touch
Just one finger tip 
A zap
Life giving
Staggered beat
Awkward rhythm 
Gone
I reach farther and grasp a hand
Jolting with a foreign frequency 
Grip tightens
Restoration repeat
I can hear it 
Inhaling life
Softly building 
Hope screaming 
My new heartbeat 

True battles

In the darkest hour
Tears, blood and sweat are spent
Voices rage incessantly 
Loves lost
Souls altered
Pummeling batters away
Scars ache as blood and water flow
Devastation stains the ground 
Death a clear view
On the horizon the sight has changed
Only a glimmer caught in gaze
Of the personage there is no doubt
He comes for me even from afar 
How can he know my time of need?
He's lived each moment some on his knees. 
Adversaries drop in fear and trembling 
Their plans foiled to their dismay
Mounted on his steed he will come
He never leaves me 
promises ring
He come yet closer 
I shrink back 
All sadness goes 
confusion gone
My lord my king rides steadily on
I rise to meet him without fear
Love eminates 
My vision clear
My love has come 
He did not wait
He himself I met
At hells dark gate
I reach up
He leans down 
Til I am by his side some how
Oh the joy and happiness 
My hero 
My eternal love

Reflections

Captured 
Prisoner of one
Glass houses 
Reflecting illusionary sun
Endless rooms of missed opportunities 
Spinning effortlessly 
Self counsel speaks freedom 
Yet webs of lies attach 
Running to nowhere 
Finding myself somewhere 
Hating what's seen
Lost in a dream 
Nightmares accosting 
Weaving realities hoped for but dashed
Thoughts are a maze 
Tricking my heart
Losing grip once more
Which way is up 
How to escape 
One tap on the glass 
Decades erased 
Now there lies nothing 
A shattered fantasy
Not worth repeating 
Emptying 
Devistation a stark reminder 
Alone in grief 
Seeing new sights
Breathing relief
A new path awakens
No blockage in view
One step to take
All things made new

Kaleidoscope

Fractals spinning endlessly 
Intersecting yet redirecting
Along a diffinitive line
Cracks appear with well torn edges
Angles daunting,shapes then emerging
Splinters of iridescent glow
Mix and bend
Bringing together a kaleidoscope 
Seeping into shards unnoticed 
Pieces are revolving
Colliding smoothly 
Melding into another
Design intentional
Magnificent chaos
Mind blowing depths
Landscape...me

She is...

Silence is her friend 
Secrets keep her company 
Pain is her solace 
Control knows her limits
Her mind a constant battlefield 
Graves and tombstones housed in her soul
Death from lack 
Fear of true freedom 
She smiles for hope
Speaks to restore 
Sings to bring peace
Sees more than she knows 
a true treasure tried and true
She is...
12/13/15

Monday, January 5, 2015

I want to sit...

i have been wondering- why do I always try to fill my life with so much stuff? I came up with some ideas. My own opinion only. I realize that many times growing up I found my peace in being busy. Obligations often times kept me very busy. Don't get me wrong busy is good and I was raised that "faith without works is dead." But instead of faith being the most important I strived for the works part. I love serving and that began to consume me taking more and more of me til there was nothing left. My life was quickly filled with schedule and surface driven. How often, how much, when, where...pretty soon I was addicted to being busy. To having no time- to having too much on my plate... The biggest problem was that I couldnt given 100% anywhere at all. Not in serving, not in marriage, not as a mom, never as a friend but I Found my worth in the busy. So I stopped serving totally, some think that is extreme, but here is my thought. I got a high like an addict when they fill their need and realized that everyone I know is addicted to something.some are addicted to safety, scheduling,food,caffeine, exercise, sleep, treats, danger,drugs legal or otherwise,serving or giving of oneself, drinking liquor or boosters, sex in general,church,singing,brands clothes shoes or makeup and the list continues. I have listed these because I have struggled with each of these. Since I often talk to God about my insufficencies I have begun to understand a couple of things. I try to fill this Hole in me. I have with many things as you can see, but it never even begins to fill the insatiable emptiness that Continues to plague me. the emptiness is unquenchable, Unfillable and generally incessant. Everything that we tried to fill it with will fall short.and the next time we try and fill it we will have to use more of the filler or the addiction to even adequately begin to plug the hole. Very recently I decided to take a break with many things I am going to stop trying so hard to fill the hole since that is not my job. The incessant deep recesses of my soul are only fillable with supernatural power. All else fails.Jesus is who I need, only him. so I am going to sit and chew on this for a while.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Christmas from my viewpoint

Christmas has always held special meaning in my life. I loved the story of Mary and Holy Spirit. I loved the miracle of Jesus coming to earth. But as I grew it really took on a folklore appeal til recently. During one of my god talks with me doing most of the talking to God as usual. I was sharing my frustration about the season. I heard or considered "what if Jesus had never grown up?" I realized that i was way more comfortable dealing with baby Jesus than I was the risen Christ. If Jesus had died in any of the attempts made on him before the cross I wouldn't be saved. Or why did Jesus being risen bother me so? Then I knew, Jesus my savior was hard for me to face when I realized that he had faced every single thing I had. He went through the awkward years where nothing felt or fit right. He lived thru abandonment and loneliness maybe even thoughts of suicide but never once lost who he was. Every pain I experienced inthe height of thinking "I know everything" time- every time that he thought no one understood. This Jesus went through the frailties I normally experience and validated me. I have begun to love the man Jesus more than I could ever say. Not the idea of him, not the "fairy tales" of him. He lived and died so I could see truly see the love of one who knew not just said they knew but actually lived with every atrocity, evry tragedy, every crime, evry lost love, every broken heart, broken body, every murder from the beginning of life here, and my own individual affrontery- yet his focus was set he LOVED so much that he carried that to the cross and sacrificed in my place; in mans place for all we did, we could, and would do constantly mocking the one who loved where it defied reason or in some cases what we think sanity is. So in light of this season- thank you Jesus for defying even heavens idea of norm for me who is just now learning the cost and true depths of your love...I love you Jesus my risen Christ.

Monday, December 22, 2014

My intent

okay so here's something new. I have never been one to blog, but I love to tell stories. So join with me while he tell me a little bit about myself. And just get to know you by being open and honest. You may laugh with me. You may cry with me. And sometimes you might even want to fight for me. Most of these stories will be experiences I personally had. Some might be of my family near and far. In this journey it's all about hope, love and unending grace. Tag along if you want will be happy to have you.